Here's to round two of blogging

I watch Sammy, the four-year-old I live, spin around in circles in front of me with his hands raised toward the ceiling. I say to him, "sammy, you are such a beautiful dancer."
"I am going to be a ballerina when I grow up...and a paleontologist..."

I am almost positive the comment about being a ballerina came from his fascination with the tights and leggings I often wear. He loves to feel them and asks if he can wear them. I didn't want to suffer the wrath of his parents so I had to think of something quick to say that would satisfy, and be honest....so I told him, "society does not accept men wearing tights...people only think it is okay for ballet dancers..."

My life continues to be transformed by this little boy, his two-year-old sister, and the other seven people I live with.

I just had the opportunity to speak to a Philosophy class at the College I go to....the world is moving, in the best way possible.

How to say it?

I do not really know what that feeling is.

That feeling I get when I choose to stay at my brother's house instead of go with my nephew and mother to my sister's. The feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me afraid and sad; thinking that if they came back through the door then I would somehow find a way to show them I really love them. Make them feel it. And know it.

I know they do know I love them. But inside I want to fix everthing and be able to attatch myself to them forever; and them to joy, which is so hard to come by in this life.

This is the first time my family has all been together in the same room for about three years. Just recently I was tryng to scrap together a book of photographs from our childhood. Those are the only pictures that really exist in depth. My mom eventually just got too tired I think.
We sat and talked, and fought and ignored and watched television.
If I smoked I would have had an excuse to leave; and an expensive way to cope...


I wish they would come back through that door. I wish our conversations and glances were full of depth.

If they read this, this wouldn't even make any sense to them.

....day one almost finished.

My passion or my escape?

One United Nations Children Fund (UICEF) report noted that the "survival strategy" of child-headed households was "eating less."

Every 14 seconds and child is orphaned by AIDS in Africa; the total number of orphanged children on thew continent is estimated to reach 40 million by 2010.

What are we to do with this?

"Arise, cry aloud in the night At the beginning of the night watches; Pour out your heart like water Before the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to Him For the life of your little ones Who are faint because of hunger At the head of every street." Lamentations 2:19

Gro.....25

my life was one that I
shared from the very beginning.
we were two very different people.
I reread every-
thing


.

I have read and reread many times,
the truth alone and
sometimes wishing someone on high would
toss me a comforting lie. I used to say "What will it be
like ten years from now, Where will we be?

very honest, very logical wouldn't
do it. Couldn't do it. Now, I live in a world of lies
where truth is often ignored o
you
don't know what you want."

every man must find
somewhere A man he
has love look. don't think so much

to figure out what he means. I have wiped my tears on the
thought
I sat on the side of my bed holding that
last night, and
remembered:

Love - no thing but that
Ungemmed, unbidden, wishing not to hurt,



I bring, you calling out as children do,
Look what I have - And these all for you.

It was he I had always loved . I didn't know until
He had died
.

I hear the First step is always release

I slip in and out of consciousness while my foot steadies my bike tire to keep the handle bars from hitting the woman to my left. The guy next to me is sitting close with his duffle-bag, frantically scribbling notes into a little booklet of paper and murmering to himself. I notice the latino man sitting across from me who won't stop staring even when I look him in the eyes. The tatooed writer stands up and punches the wall of the Metro Rail subway bus as we slowly make our way through Hollywood. The five of us in that car look cautiously to our right as he screams out "Los Angeles is dead!" and sits back down to write.

It is Sunday evening so there are not many commuters out.

There are five large books next to me on the desk waiting to be read and referenced for my project due tomorrow. After another night of cramming out my third research project in three weeks I will be able to inform anyone about the 70AD Destruction of Jerusalem's significance and the ramifications it has had on the history of the world. Or the entire geographical layout of the Old Testamnet holy lands, or the life and impact of Francis Xavier. I'm sure that guy on the Metro would be so comforted by it.

I have been meeting alot of "connections" at my new job in Hollywood. So many legit artisit and producers and professors who want to collaborate with me, or record me, or let me act in their musicals...I feel somewhat lame, not really having much to give on my end other than some light-hearted, genuine conversation. I guess it is refreshing for some people, when it isn't completely saturated with sarcasm or anger.

I started reading a book that we have at work called, "Animal Ingredients A to Z." I think it is going to make me become a vegan. I'll let you know.

I also was reminded of grace today, and it was nice.

Vegan Smackdown

I am almost halfway through my first semester at "The Master's" College. It has proved to be an intersting time. I am thankful for it, while it is. I also just recently got a job at a great little vegan resturaunt called "Pure Luck" in Hollywood. I also learned how to build bikes...bicycles that is. I have recently found an investor for my small business I want to start, and have been writing alot of music.

I have also been studying my butt off for school.....A little voice keeps singin in my head to build a little red boat and sail away. Maybe I will one day, but for now I am trying to still focus on that whole "commintment" thing that has been so difficult for me my entire life.

It is an amazing time when you get placed in an enviroment that shatters your mindset on certain issues, and reminds you that you really don't know much of anything, and that I never really "understood" people like I made myself believe. Talk is cheap, and most of what I have been learning in the past few months is how to keep my mouth shut, and live radically.

and so it is.

Deep calls to Deep

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me